The Bitch in ME

Posted by Sugar Cyanide on December 25, 2012 at 6:50 AM

This last year has been one of contemplation for me. I have a done a lot of Soul work and searching. In some ways I have more questions than answers, but I have found some answers to some very hard questions. I have always been a very blunt and honest individual. I repeatedly warn people to not ask my opinion because they will get it and they may not like what I have to say. I have a habit of putting people in their place and they tend to not like it very much. I try to curve this behavior because it is very troublesome but sometimes I just can't help myself. I call a spade a spade, this is why I am a Bitch. I know I am Bitch I have known this for years. I have come to terms with it.


Many times I have beat myself up over it. Asking why I didn’t just keep my mouth shut? Why couldn’t I just keep my head down? Why can’t I toe the line like everyone else? I have looked at these aspects of myself as flaws especially since I have lost many, many a friendship over it. This year I have come to terms and have embraced my Inner Bitch and Now I let my Bitch flag fly with pride.


I still warn people that this is who I am. This is an intrinsic part of my personality and if I could change it then I wouldn’t be me. Sure I would love to have diplomatic skills and a very strong verbal filter and believe me I have gotten better over the years. However as I become closer to people and began to accept them for who they are and believe they do the same for me. I lose my filter, I no longer have the edit button. Here in lies the problem some people get very upset when that happens and I am left dumbfounded because I was simply just being myself.


While I can filter it is very difficult for me, it simply is just not in my nature. It like keeping a sports car in first gear. My only solution is that I have become much more insular. It is easier for me to filter if I am doing for shorter period of times and if I am not as emotionally close to the person. I then spend the bulk of my time with people who wholly and completely accept me for me. Then I can be like a sports car driving the open road untethered and free.


What does this mean? Well if you want the kind of friend that will tell you, that yes those jeans make you look fat than I am your girl. And if you can accept this aspect about me and Love for who I truly am with my flaws proudly on display then I will be you undying loyal friend to the end of time. This is who I am, this is what I am. I cannot change this aspect of myself no more than I can change my height or my sexual orientation. Believe me I have tried.


So when someone ends their friendship with me, over me being a Bitch that tells me that they never accepted me for who I truly am. Yes, I am Bitch and my friends don’t love me despite of it. The love me because of it. When no one else will give them an honest answer they come to me, because they know I will no matter how ugly the truth may be.


I never realized until recently that other people are not like that. I knew I was different but it never occurred to me HOW different. The concept of being anything OTHER than completely and utterly honest is Foreign to me. You don’t have to be a mind reader to know what I am thinking it is plain for all the world to see. FYI I SUCK AT POKER In the reverse I can usually tell what other people are thinking. Not in the Sookie Stackhouse kind of way more like the Diana Troy kinda way.


It is damn near impossible to hide anything from me. While I realize that because of this I make people very, very uncomfortable. It forces them to deal with deep seated issues that they may not be ready to work thru. I was told that I wield the truth as weapon. True, I can and have, however the truth can only be used as a weapon against deceit. Whether this deceit is internal delusion or external illusion.


This is who I am. Buyer beware! I am a Bitch and I am proud!

Categories: Diary , Random Thoughts, Writing

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1 Comment

Reply tojosan
7:27 AM on December 25, 2012 
I understand a wee bit about this. I've struggled with the impulse to immediately give the honest feedback instead of keeping quiet. Often folks ask a question they don't really want an answer for. Figured out after years that so many just want us to reinforce what they already believe.

If being honest = being a bitch, that's sad.

The only real advice I can offer is to always act in a loving way when possible. For the rest of them, give em hell.