The following below is from a Tarot Website as the message was pretty Eye opening I am deciding to save it.

The Personal Tarot Cards

of

Sugar Cyanide

July 5, 19**

Your Personal Tarot Cards are listed below. Scroll down to read a brief description of each card. Click on the thumbnails to view larger images of the cards. It is important to remember that this is not a Tarot Spread. The selection of these cards is based upon your name and birth date. With the exception of the growth cards, your personal cards do not change. Cards that appear more than once in your personal set indicate that the influences they represent are a very powerful force in your life. 

Your Power Cards

Your Desire Cards

Your Core Cards

Your Growth Cards

Your Lucky Cards

Your Power Cards

represent strengths you were born with.

The Hierophant

The Magus

The Hierophant represents the protector of a culture’s heritage and traditions. His purpose is to defend and teach the established ways and beliefs a group embraces. He is inherently conventional and a true believer in the power of the group. He loves the structure of the group and its values. It is the task of The Hierophant to bring new members into the group—to prepare the uninitiated to take their rightful place in his culture. In this sense he is very much like a teacher or a priest. He also acts as the repository of his group’s history. The Hierophant is certainly not one to buck proper authority. However, he is staunch and worthy defender of the tried and true. He represents the positive aspects of conformity.

When The Emperor is among your personal cards, the influence of The Hierophant may be increased. Having The Fool or The Lovers in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Hierophant.

The Magus is the physical embodiment of decisive action based upon knowledge and aimed squarely at specific goals. While firmly set in the material world, he none-the-less has a powerful spiritual connection as well. His knowledge, wisdom and skill are all encompassing. He is complete. His power as a creator is unmatched on our earthly plane. He is self-aware and unafraid to act. His enormous strength gives him the freedom to act as he chooses. However, responsibility comes with that freedom. Because he is not bound to the restraints of others he must choose how to act. The question that always lies before him is should he act morally, or forsake ethics for personal gain.

When The Chariot is among your personal cards, the influence of The Magus may be increased. Having The Empress or Hanged Man in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Magus.

Your Desire Cards

focus on your ambitions and dreams.

The Chariot

The Empress

The Chariot is the representation of Victory and the personality traits required to attain victory. The Chariot indicates self-awareness and control. Courage—the ability to overcome fear and confront the unknown head on--is a primary ingredient of any victorious campaign and is denoted by the Chariot. So too is force of will. Often success is as much the product of will power and a refusal to surrender as it is anything else. The Chariot also represents the healthy personality of someone who believes in themselves; someone who can take control of the situation and bring events to a positive end. His successes come in competition with others.

When The Magus is among your personal cards, the influence of The Chariot may be increased. Having The Hanged Man or The Tower in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Chariot.

The Empress is “The Earth Mother” of the Tarot. She embodies all that is nurturing, clean and wholesome. Her powers resonate from her drive to create and care for life on a grand scale. She is in tune with Nature’s rhythm and realizes that life’s most pleasurable moments often stem from the simplest things. She is not afraid to enjoy herself--to let loose—to the point of being lavish. Abundance and luxury are important to her. The Empress is completely comfortable with her femininity and her sexuality. She is sensual, earthy, generous, and likes the good life. Still, her driving force is a need to create and nurture, and fulfilling this need overrides everything else.

When The Lover or The Star are among your personal cards, the influence of The Empress may be increased. Having the Emperor or Death in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Empress.

Your Lucky Cards

represent elements that favor you.

Strength

The Fool

Strength denotes an inner power, mastery of will and development of inner might. Through mastering one’s emotions and learning from both success and failure the person Strength represents has reached a place where they are influential without applying physical force, able to weather the roughest of storms, and not likely to abandon the less fortunate. Strength also denotes a large capacity for forgiveness and compassion. Strength is not as much about winning as it is about overcoming hardship, and using well crafted persuasion to ease others to your side.

When The Hanged Man is among your personal cards, the influence of Strength may be increased. Having The Chariot in your personal cards may diminish the influence of Strength.

This card represents the dreamer in you, the idealist, the mystic. The Fool desires to do great things, but is often unaware of just how difficult great things are to do. He must always be very careful of the choices he makes, and remember knowledge is his ally. The Fool often symbolizes a new beginning, unrestrained optimism, and curiosity that hasn’t been dulled by time. While The Fool may well indicate a lack of experience or grasp of the pitfalls along the path he is taking, it is equally true that his lack of experience leads him to believe all things are possible, which brings even impossible goals within his grasp.

When The Hanged Man or The Star are among your personal cards, the influence of The Fool may be increased. Having The Devil in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Fool.

Your Growth Cards

represent influences you will need to take advantage of over the next year to weave your way through life optimally.

The Lovers

The Fool

The Lovers indicates both the most powerful of unions and the most of challenging conflicts humans must face. On one side The Lover’s embodies love and union on a cosmic scale—a love so strong, so inherently good that it actually makes the lovers better, more than they really are. All of the elements are there for the perfect union. The Lovers represent all powerful unions in general, and the elements that create/sustain them. The problem The Lovers face is temptation and the decision to act morally or abandon their ethics to take advantage of other opportunities that would be defined as transgressions.

The Lovers' influence is increased when The Empress is among your personal cards. Having The Hierophant or The Hermit in your personal cards may diminish the influence of the Lovers.

This card represents the dreamer in you, the idealist, the mystic. The Fool desires to do great things, but is often unaware of just how difficult great things are to do. He must always be very careful of the choices he makes, and remember knowledge is his ally. The Fool often symbolizes a new beginning, unrestrained optimism, and curiosity that hasn’t been dulled by time. While The Fool may well indicate a lack of experience or grasp of the pitfalls along the path he is taking, it is equally true that his lack of experience leads him to believe all things are possible, which brings even impossible goals within his grasp.

When The Hanged Man or The Star are among your personal cards, the influence of The Fool may be increased. Having The Devil in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Fool.

Your Core Cards

represent your most basic traits--all that you are begins with the influences associated with these cards.

The Hanged Man

The Empress

The Hanged Man is the most enigmatic card of the Tarot. Even Tarot giants like Waite, Crowley and Levi had trouble deciphering The Hanged Man’s true meaning. Generally The Hanged Man is thought to represent the value of surrender and selfless acts. The Hanged Man embodies the notion that sometimes to lose is to win. Unlike the aggressive Chariot, The Hanged Man creates his fate through inaction and accepts his fortune passively, without resistance. He does not struggle to control the path his life takes, but rather allows events to sweep him where they will, even if he is called upon to sacrifice himself. He is so at ease with the Fate the Universe chose for him that even hanging upside down from a tree does not ruffle him.

When The High Priestess or Strength is among your personal cards, the influence of The Hanged Man may be increased. Having The Magus or Chariot in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Hanged Man.

The Empress is “The Earth Mother” of the Tarot. She embodies all that is nurturing, clean and wholesome. Her powers resonate from her drive to create and care for life on a grand scale. She is in tune with Nature’s rhythm and realizes that life’s most pleasurable moments often stem from the simplest things. She is not afraid to enjoy herself--to let loose—to the point of being lavish. Abundance and luxury are important to her. The Empress is completely comfortable with her femininity and her sexuality. She is sensual, earthy, generous, and likes the good life. Still, her driving force is a need to create and nurture, and fulfilling this need overrides everything else.

When The Lover or The Star are among your personal cards, the influence of The Empress may be increased. Having the Emperor or Death in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Empres

I wish I could have a mental tape recorded when I am figure modeling. I write whole article, blog post and even books in my head. However by the time I get home sometimes I have lost not only the train of thought but the whole subject about which I wanted to write.

Other times there is so much I want to say I am not sure where to begin. This is much more so with Witchy subject matter. So much has been written and said and yet so little with any real depth at a basic clean language.

Sometimes I watch vlog or read blog about "famous" Pagan authors and how wonderful they are and when I read their books I am looking for what is so wonderful about it? All of the books seem to be written with "Filler" words that say pretty and wonderful things but have NO Substance. Part of me wants to write scathing book reviews alas if I wish to be what I have set forth to become these very same authors could be my peers (some of them already are as there is quite a large writing community in St. Louis).

I have also thinking about the Law of Attraction and victimhood. I have never been one to subscribe to the "victim" personality and am becoming even less of a fan because of the Law of Attraction. I may have been hurt by others people actions but I take accountability for my actions that put me in the place to be hurt. I am no one's Victim for I am the creator of my own life. This is a really deep and heavy concept, but when you take responsibility for your actions, though hard, as can be extremely difficult, you realize that life is what you make it. So If you are unhappy with your life, then stop making it so. So Simple, yet very difficult. Like running a marathon, very simply just put one foot in front of the other, yet 26 and some change, miles later you know exactly how far you have come.

Another thing I have been thinking about is the voices in your head. If you listen closely you will be able to identify different parts of yourself and their voices. The Ego, the Id, Fear, Confidence, etc. Once you know which voice is which you can start to analyze what they are saying and why they are saying it. Once you truly understand the motivations behind these voices, behind Fear, Self Hate etc you can realize the patterns that you are in and IF they are unhealthy start to break them and IF the are healthy start understand why you do the things you do. You will start to ask yourself Why? and then you will find the answers.

Innocence and the loss of it has also been in my mind lately. Not the cliche of ones sexual innocence. Innocence, in that the world is mostly good. Innocence in the sense of a child not knowing true pain or hardship. I know that I had innocence at one time but I am not entirely sure when I lost it. I know at a very young age having a profound mistrust in Adults and deliberately telling them what I thought they wanted to hear. Knowing that I could not trust them with “whatever” truth it was at the time. I also remember trying my hardest to be invisible to adults, this being carried on to high school where the Dean of Students told my Mom that I must be a good child because he never had any interaction with me, I went to a small school less than 600 kids in the whole school. I still Mistrust and hide from Authority Figures.

These are just some of the deep thoughts that have been in my head recently. I am mulling them around and I sure I will expand on them. Making them into articles or Blog posts on their own at some point as of right now they are still percolating in my brain. What are you thoughts on these subjects?

There are problems that are unique to being a Professional Naked Person that one would simply never encounter otherwise. It was one such problem that got me thinking and having to sit still for an hour without moving, I did a lot of thinking. *Smiles*

You see, I model Nude almost everyday and some days multiple times a day. There are a bevy of things that clothing can hide from the human eye. As much as clothing original purpose was to keep us warm, in modern times its purpose has evolved. Giving us privacy and camouflaging the things we don’t want the public to see. When you are nude in public that camouflage is gone and one is exposed in all their glory, for all the world to see.

There is a common cliche of the fear of being naked while giving a speech in front of a group of people. This is almost a daily part of my life, alas this has never been a fear of mine and certainly isn’t one now. *Smiles* However..... I did have a fear about being Nude in Public and having that fear made me realize how messed up our Society is when it comes to Women's bodies.

That fear you ask? That fear has to do with Menstruation. When I model of course I wear tampons and I take the time to “tuck” the string. However I have a paranoid fear that one day while modeling in front of a group of people that I may “Spring a Leak” if you will, despite all of my best efforts. I became terrified that people would think I was dirty and unclean, Unsanitary.

Then I realized how crazy this fear was. 1. It is not something that I can control. 2. It is a part of being human and a Woman. 3. I am not just going to call in sick because of it. 4. The “blood of Life” should not be a curse. It should be looked at as the gift it. No matter how painful.

"The esoteric secret of the gods was that their mystical powers of longevity, authority, and creativity came from the same female essence. The Norse god Thor for example reached the magick and of enlightenment and eternal life by bathing in a river filled the menstrual blood of "giantesses" that is of the Primal Matriarchs, "Powerful Ones" who governed the elder gods before Odin brought his "Asians" (Aesir) out of the east. Odin acquire supremacy by stealing and drinking the "wise blood" form the triple cauldron in the womb of Mother-Earth, the Triple Goddess know as Kali-Maya in southeast Asia.

Odin's theft of menstrual magic paralleled that of Indra, who stole the ambrosia of immortality in the same way. Indian myth called the sacred fluid Soma in Greek, "the body", because the word's eastern root referred to a mystical substance of the body. Soma was the object of so much holy dread that its interpretations were many. Soma was produced by churning of the primal sea "ocean of blood" or sometimes "sea of milk". Soma was drank by priests at sacrificial ceremonies and mixed with mild as a healing charm; therfore it was not milk. Soma was especially revered on somvara, Monday, the day of the moon. In an ancient ceremony called Soma-vati, women of Maharashtra circumambulated the sacred female symbolic fig tree whenever the new moon fell on a Monday.

A combination of honey and menstrual blood was once considered the universal elixir of life, the "nectar" manufactured by Aphrodite and her sacred bees, which kept the very gods alive. Similarly, the great secret of Norse mythology was that the gods nectar of wisdom, inspiration, literacy, magic, and eternal life was a combination of honey and "wise blood" from the great Cauldron in the bell of Mother Earth trough a late patriarchal revision claimed this hydromel or honey-liquid was a mixture of honey with the blood of a male sacrificial victim known as Wisest of Men. The honeymoon of a lunar month would inclue a menstrual period, the real source of what ws euphemistically called the moon-honey or honeymoon. The honey moon spanned a lunar month, usually in May, the month of pairings, named after the Goddess as the Virgin Maya. In an archaic period, sacred kings seem to have been destroyed after a 28 day honeymoon with the Goddess, spanning a lunar cycle, as the queen bee destroys her drone-bridegroom by tearing out his genitals. A bridegroom contacted the source of life by copulating with his bride during menstruation, according to the oldest oriental belief. Even the Great God Shiva was helpless unless his phallus was baptized in blood from the vagina of Kali-Maya, his Shakti and mother, in the Tantric ritual known as Maharutti.

Egyptian pharaohs became divine by ingesting "the blood of Isis", a soma-like ambrosia called sa. Its hieroglyphic sign was the same as the sign of the vulva, a yonic loop like the one on the ankh or Cross of Life. Painted red, this loop signified the female genital and the gate of Heaven. Amulets buried with the dead specifically prayed Isis to deify the deceased with her magic blood. A special amulet called the Tjet represented Isis's vulva and was formed of red substance jasper, carnelian, red porcelain, red glass, or red wood. This amulet was said to carry the redeeming power of the blood of Isis."  From Barbara Walker's Women's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets

So in a long line of Goddesses I embrace my Life Blood for the Holy Elixir it is. When I see its Bright Redness against my Pale Thigh I will know I am Goddess Incarnate as is every Woman.

As I was working on my book, one of the outlined items for each chapter was a ritual or spell. I realized as I was writing the book I was making this into more of an meditative guide. Even, when I was a child going to Lutherean Schools and we had to memorize pre written prayers I was very annoyed by this.

I have always felt that the spiriutality and what is going on in your head and your heart is more important then the words that come out of your mouth. I also felt that there was a loss of power or strength in mindlessly reciting prayers and spiritual words. To this day I cringe when I see a Witchcraft or Pagan book that has rituals where it spefically lays out word for word who says what and when.

I know in my experiance when I am reading from a script I am more concerned about getting the words correct then the actual meaning behind them. Infact this is a "tell" for new or green actors. It takes lots of time and work for an actor to be able recite their lines without it ,it sounding like they are reciting their lines.  

I know as a person I would much rather have someone speak from the heart (even if they stumble over their words) than to read off a script to me. So Why wouldn't the Divine,  Ancestors, Universe, and whoever or whatever you say prayers to, for and spell work feel the same?

Saying prayers and doing spell work or ritual should feel like you are giving your wedding vows. If you are not overcome with joy, love and emotion in general most likely you are doing something wrong. I am a firm believer of the "All roads lead to Rome" appoarch and it doesn't matter how you get there as long as you do. Emotion is a very powerful tool in spirituality with out emotion is it even possible to be spiritual? 

I do look at pre-written spells, but I look at these as recipes. Ingredients and how those ingredients are put together. Just like when I cook I usually don't follow a recipe. I look at its ingredients and how its put together and then just go make it with what I happen to have on hand and in a manner that is most convient or enjoyable to me. I look at spells and recipes as suggestions for new way of doing things I may not have thought of doing but I always end up putting my own twist on it. If I were to follow blindly I am not sure it would be as powerful because it simply wouldn't have as much of my energy and energy is what, my freinds, makes things work. It is energy that makes the world go round.

So Traveling whenever a Lokian is involved is always a little bit more of an adventure then one could ask for. After having a communication snafu with our pet sitter, we ended up taking Studley with us. Which led to all sorts of complications, but I will get to that later. Thursday the Boys and Girls split up so Studley, Rocky and Loki whisked off to Meramec State Park, while FyreByrd stole me to her moms house. We spent the afternoon decorating and setting up the Reception Hall, while that evening all the bridesmaids stayed at her moms house. Instead of doing the typical thing and playing with hair and makeup the night before we all custom painted parasol’s. Which is very much a Fyrebyrd thing to do, She and two other bridesmaid’s all graduated with Art degrees from Webster.

This is my Parasol

After the painting was done we celebrated with Pink Wine and Pink Pie at 2am. The pie her Mom made especially for me as I am a diabetic. *smiles*

Photo courtsey of Kaylese

The Morning of the wedding we woke bright and early. The Bride had dashed off to get her hair done and the rain had started to pour. We realized that the paper parasols we had painted the night before would not hold up in the rain. So off to the store dashed her mom and one of the bridesmaids to pick up an aerosol paint protector so that the parasols would not dissolve in the rain. Upon getting to the wedding site we obviously could not have the ceremony where it was originally planned so the reception hall had to be taken down after all the work we had did the night before. Rocky and Loki were joking that if they had to ever move a table again they were going to lose it. So while the boys were reading the ceremony site I quickly did the bride’s make up and my own. (never hurts to have a makeup artist in your bridal party *Smiles*.) So after years of planning and months of preparation the Time had come. During the reception, I snuck away with D and another Bridesmaid to clean the trashed hotel room that the guys had been staying in. *Boys are Gross*

Loki and Ann in the Infamous Hotel room. Photo courtsey Ann

The Dj never made it out because of the tornadoes hitting St. Louis. Soo.. the Reverends brought out their boom box and we danced the night away anyway. FyreByrd later remarked to me that weddings are a lot like shows. You make a plan of what you want, everything goes to hell, You Improvise, Adapt and Overcome. We're pretty used to chaos at this point especially having a Lokian and a Setite around. We seem to thrive on it. And that reminds me of a Joke. “A Lokian and a Setite walk into a Bar.... Hey, where did everyone go?”

If you are open minded and looking for a deeply spiritual experience then the Living Insights Center should be on the top of your list. I went for the first time a couple of weeks ago. It had been on my list for a while now and I never quite got around to it. Once there I fell in love. The L.I.C. is an all faiths temple. They have rooms set up with an altar to every main religion and lots of minority faiths. There is literally something for everyone. First thing upon walking in you will be asked to remove your shoes. So wear your nice socks *takes on a Mom’s voice and Points finger* and easy to remove shoes. The Eastern Religions are right up front and you will need to walk through their rooms to get into the Western Religions (Abrahamic) rooms. In the Judeo-Christian room there is an imposing statue of Saint Therese. Saint Therese is very active in the L.I.C. and many people have reported receiving miracles and messages from her. The spiritual energy can not be ignored, many people have had very moving experiences and many skeptics have been awed. One can drop in anytime during business hours from 12pm to 5pm and receive a full guided tour. There also many services and events throughout the month. L.I.C is a tax exempt Non Profit organization and is mostly run on donations. They do have a small gift shop and offer many spiritual one of a kind items. In short it is a wonderful place and when I am there I do not want to go home, you probably won’t either. The Living Insights Center

"Therese Martin was the last of nine children born to Louis and Zelie Martin on January 2, 1873, in Alencon, France. However, only five of these children lived to reach adulthood. Precocious and sensitive, Therese needed much attention. Her mother died when she was 4 years old. As a result, her father and sisters babied young Therese. She had a spirit that wanted everything.

At the age of 14, on Christmas Eve in 1886, Therese had a conversion that transformed her life. From then on, her powerful energy and sensitive spirit were turned toward love, instead of keeping herself happy. At 15, she entered the Carmelite convent in Lisieux to give her whole life to God. She took the religious name Sister Therese of the Child Jesus and the Holy Face. Living a hidden, simple life of prayer, she was gifted with great intimacy with God. Through sickness and dark nights of doubt and fear, she remained faithful to God, rooted in His merciful love. After a long struggle with tuberculosis, she died on September 30, 1897, at the age of 24. Her last words were the story of her life: "My God, I love You!"

The world came to know Therese through her autobiography, "Story of a Soul". She described her life as a "little way of spiritual childhood." She lived each day with an unshakable confidence in God's love. "What matters in life," she wrote, "is not great deeds, but great love." Therese lived and taught a spirituality of attending to everyone and everything well and with love. She believed that just as a child becomes enamored with what is before her, we should also have a childlike focus and totally attentive love. Therese's spirituality is of doing the ordinary, with extraordinary love."  The above text from the Society of the Little Flower