I worked a New Modeling gig today it went well despite getting off to a rough start. I was 10 mins late because I couldn’t find the building. I hate being late. In an industry where people are notoriously flakey, being late is an even bigger no no. Sure you may only be a couple of mins late but you are going up against the preconceived notion because of the last person who no called no showed. So when you are late they immediately wonder if you are coming or not. Ah, Showbiz oh how I love you!
I have an article of the Newest Issue of Mystik Way Magazine that can be read HERE. It is about dance and spirituality.
I have turned down yet another opportunity to do burlesque. I miss the stage but I am not ready yet. My love got corrupted by politics and money and it became work. My muse still wants to play in other areas anytime I mention the “B” word my muse runs in the opposite direction. I can only guess that I am still grieving. When I love, I love hard, I love with my whole soul. And my soul got crushed. I am sure people are tired of hearing me bitch and moan about burlesque. Oh well...
I have written a short story a retelling of an ancient myth. I wrote all four pages of it in one gigantic burst. I am not sure what I want to do with it. Post it to my blog or submit it to be published. If I post it to my blog then that is considered self publishing and some of the more traditional publishing avenues won’t touch it after that. However, I hate writing something and not having it seen, it just seems like such a waste.
I really enjoyed the vending from the last couple of weeks. That just feels like what I am supposed to be doing. It makes me miss EWB. I loved running the store, counselling people and helping them shop. When I do go back to performing it will take a secondary position in my life. While I enjoy writing it may too take a secondary position. Why you ask? Well these are things I do because I love and I have learned the hard way that by trying to keep a rough over your head doing things you love changes why you do them. That when they become work and you start to resent them. Modeling is work, House of Cyanide Curios is work, writing and dancing I do that because I enjoy it, period. I lost focus of that, mainly because I was listening and trying to please everyone else. Hopefully I have learned my lesson THIS time. I really don’t want to have to repeat this lesson again. I know I am like the girl who never quits talking about her ex. It been a year and I am still whining.
C’est la vie,
La Femme Crève-cœur
As only a woman can give birth, a female figure uses her wand to greet a firecat, which is born of the fires of creation. It comes forth fully grown, ready and enterprising. Anyone lucky enough to encounter a firecat will live happily ever after.
The Ace of Wands Inverted, can indicates problems with creativity. In general, the Ace inverted shows blockage or delay. Business dealings, travel plans or projects may be suffering from lack of organization today. Be patience with yourself today, slow down. Don’t push the creative juices let them trickle in at their own speed.
It is interesting how everyone is going crazy over the weather we are having but this weather happens every year. The phenomena that we are experiencing is the January Thaw. This happens every year from roughly the last week of Jan till Imbolc Feb 2. Where figure out if we have 6 more weeks of winter or not. The January Thaw is important because if we have nice Springy weather on Imbolc then we'll most likely get 6 more weeks of winter. If it is cold on Imbolc then Spring will come early. I find it interesting that this happens every year but yet people are still surprised by it. We silly humans * I do not own the copyright for this photo it is used for educational purposes only*
This last year has been one of contemplation for me. I have a done a lot of Soul work and searching. In some ways I have more questions than answers, but I have found some answers to some very hard questions. I have always been a very blunt and honest individual. I repeatedly warn people to not ask my opinion because they will get it and they may not like what I have to say. I have a habit of putting people in their place and they tend to not like it very much. I try to curve this behavior because it is very troublesome but sometimes I just can't help myself. I call a spade a spade, this is why I am a Bitch. I know I am Bitch I have known this for years. I have come to terms with it.
Many times I have beat myself up over it. Asking why I didn’t just keep my mouth shut? Why couldn’t I just keep my head down? Why can’t I toe the line like everyone else? I have looked at these aspects of myself as flaws especially since I have lost many, many a friendship over it. This year I have come to terms and have embraced my Inner Bitch and Now I let my Bitch flag fly with pride.
I still warn people that this is who I am. This is an intrinsic part of my personality and if I could change it then I wouldn’t be me. Sure I would love to have diplomatic skills and a very strong verbal filter and believe me I have gotten better over the years. However as I become closer to people and began to accept them for who they are and believe they do the same for me. I lose my filter, I no longer have the edit button. Here in lies the problem some people get very upset when that happens and I am left dumbfounded because I was simply just being myself.
While I can filter it is very difficult for me, it simply is just not in my nature. It like keeping a sports car in first gear. My only solution is that I have become much more insular. It is easier for me to filter if I am doing for shorter period of times and if I am not as emotionally close to the person. I then spend the bulk of my time with people who wholly and completely accept me for me. Then I can be like a sports car driving the open road untethered and free.
What does this mean? Well if you want the kind of friend that will tell you, that yes those jeans make you look fat than I am your girl. And if you can accept this aspect about me and Love for who I truly am with my flaws proudly on display then I will be you undying loyal friend to the end of time. This is who I am, this is what I am. I cannot change this aspect of myself no more than I can change my height or my sexual orientation. Believe me I have tried.
So when someone ends their friendship with me, over me being a Bitch that tells me that they never accepted me for who I truly am. Yes, I am Bitch and my friends don’t love me despite of it. The love me because of it. When no one else will give them an honest answer they come to me, because they know I will no matter how ugly the truth may be.
I never realized until recently that other people are not like that. I knew I was different but it never occurred to me HOW different. The concept of being anything OTHER than completely and utterly honest is Foreign to me. You don’t have to be a mind reader to know what I am thinking it is plain for all the world to see. FYI I SUCK AT POKER In the reverse I can usually tell what other people are thinking. Not in the Sookie Stackhouse kind of way more like the Diana Troy kinda way.
It is damn near impossible to hide anything from me. While I realize that because of this I make people very, very uncomfortable. It forces them to deal with deep seated issues that they may not be ready to work thru. I was told that I wield the truth as weapon. True, I can and have, however the truth can only be used as a weapon against deceit. Whether this deceit is internal delusion or external illusion.
This is who I am. Buyer beware! I am a Bitch and I am proud!
So many of you know I am just not a big fan of the December Holiday Season. I am definitely a big Grinch this time of the year. I love giving gifts to my friends JUST because I don't like giving gifts because I feel obligated. However if this time of year is your thing and you really get into the season and want to get your favorite Grinch something... Here is a list of my Needs/ Wants. These are in No Particular Order.
I wish I could have a mental tape recorded when I am figure modeling. I write whole article, blog post and even books in my head. However by the time I get home sometimes I have lost not only the train of thought but the whole subject about which I wanted to write.
Other times there is so much I want to say I am not sure where to begin. This is much more so with Witchy subject matter. So much has been written and said and yet so little with any real depth at a basic clean language.
Sometimes I watch vlog or read blog about "famous" Pagan authors and how wonderful they are and when I read their books I am looking for what is so wonderful about it? All of the books seem to be written with "Filler" words that say pretty and wonderful things but have NO Substance. Part of me wants to write scathing book reviews alas if I wish to be what I have set forth to become these very same authors could be my peers (some of them already are as there is quite a large writing community in St. Louis).
I have also thinking about the Law of Attraction and victimhood. I have never been one to subscribe to the "victim" personality and am becoming even less of a fan because of the Law of Attraction. I may have been hurt by others people actions but I take accountability for my actions that put me in the place to be hurt. I am no one's Victim for I am the creator of my own life. This is a really deep and heavy concept, but when you take responsibility for your actions, though hard, as can be extremely difficult, you realize that life is what you make it. So If you are unhappy with your life, then stop making it so. So Simple, yet very difficult. Like running a marathon, very simply just put one foot in front of the other, yet 26 and some change, miles later you know exactly how far you have come.
Another thing I have been thinking about is the voices in your head. If you listen closely you will be able to identify different parts of yourself and their voices. The Ego, the Id, Fear, Confidence, etc. Once you know which voice is which you can start to analyze what they are saying and why they are saying it. Once you truly understand the motivations behind these voices, behind Fear, Self Hate etc you can realize the patterns that you are in and IF they are unhealthy start to break them and IF the are healthy start understand why you do the things you do. You will start to ask yourself Why? and then you will find the answers.
Innocence and the loss of it has also been in my mind lately. Not the cliche of ones sexual innocence. Innocence, in that the world is mostly good. Innocence in the sense of a child not knowing true pain or hardship. I know that I had innocence at one time but I am not entirely sure when I lost it. I know at a very young age having a profound mistrust in Adults and deliberately telling them what I thought they wanted to hear. Knowing that I could not trust them with “whatever” truth it was at the time. I also remember trying my hardest to be invisible to adults, this being carried on to high school where the Dean of Students told my Mom that I must be a good child because he never had any interaction with me, I went to a small school less than 600 kids in the whole school. I still Mistrust and hide from Authority Figures.
These are just some of the deep thoughts that have been in my head recently. I am mulling them around and I sure I will expand on them. Making them into articles or Blog posts on their own at some point as of right now they are still percolating in my brain. What are you thoughts on these subjects?
There are problems that are unique to being a Professional Naked Person that one would simply never encounter otherwise. It was one such problem that got me thinking and having to sit still for an hour without moving, I did a lot of thinking. *Smiles*
You see, I model Nude almost everyday and some days multiple times a day. There are a bevy of things that clothing can hide from the human eye. As much as clothing original purpose was to keep us warm, in modern times its purpose has evolved. Giving us privacy and camouflaging the things we don’t want the public to see. When you are nude in public that camouflage is gone and one is exposed in all their glory, for all the world to see.
There is a common cliche of the fear of being naked while giving a speech in front of a group of people. This is almost a daily part of my life, alas this has never been a fear of mine and certainly isn’t one now. *Smiles* However..... I did have a fear about being Nude in Public and having that fear made me realize how messed up our Society is when it comes to Women's bodies.
That fear you ask? That fear has to do with Menstruation. When I model of course I wear tampons and I take the time to “tuck” the string. However I have a paranoid fear that one day while modeling in front of a group of people that I may “Spring a Leak” if you will, despite all of my best efforts. I became terrified that people would think I was dirty and unclean, Unsanitary.
Then I realized how crazy this fear was. 1. It is not something that I can control. 2. It is a part of being human and a Woman. 3. I am not just going to call in sick because of it. 4. The “blood of Life” should not be a curse. It should be looked at as the gift it. No matter how painful.
"The esoteric secret of the gods was that their mystical powers of longevity, authority, and creativity came from the same female essence. The Norse god Thor for example reached the magick and of enlightenment and eternal life by bathing in a river filled the menstrual blood of "giantesses" that is of the Primal Matriarchs, "Powerful Ones" who governed the elder gods before Odin brought his "Asians" (Aesir) out of the east. Odin acquire supremacy by stealing and drinking the "wise blood" form the triple cauldron in the womb of Mother-Earth, the Triple Goddess know as Kali-Maya in southeast Asia.
Odin's theft of menstrual magic paralleled that of Indra, who stole the ambrosia of immortality in the same way. Indian myth called the sacred fluid Soma in Greek, "the body", because the word's eastern root referred to a mystical substance of the body. Soma was the object of so much holy dread that its interpretations were many. Soma was produced by churning of the primal sea "ocean of blood" or sometimes "sea of milk". Soma was drank by priests at sacrificial ceremonies and mixed with mild as a healing charm; therfore it was not milk. Soma was especially revered on somvara, Monday, the day of the moon. In an ancient ceremony called Soma-vati, women of Maharashtra circumambulated the sacred female symbolic fig tree whenever the new moon fell on a Monday.
A combination of honey and menstrual blood was once considered the universal elixir of life, the "nectar" manufactured by Aphrodite and her sacred bees, which kept the very gods alive. Similarly, the great secret of Norse mythology was that the gods nectar of wisdom, inspiration, literacy, magic, and eternal life was a combination of honey and "wise blood" from the great Cauldron in the bell of Mother Earth trough a late patriarchal revision claimed this hydromel or honey-liquid was a mixture of honey with the blood of a male sacrificial victim known as Wisest of Men. The honeymoon of a lunar month would inclue a menstrual period, the real source of what ws euphemistically called the moon-honey or honeymoon. The honey moon spanned a lunar month, usually in May, the month of pairings, named after the Goddess as the Virgin Maya. In an archaic period, sacred kings seem to have been destroyed after a 28 day honeymoon with the Goddess, spanning a lunar cycle, as the queen bee destroys her drone-bridegroom by tearing out his genitals. A bridegroom contacted the source of life by copulating with his bride during menstruation, according to the oldest oriental belief. Even the Great God Shiva was helpless unless his phallus was baptized in blood from the vagina of Kali-Maya, his Shakti and mother, in the Tantric ritual known as Maharutti.
Egyptian pharaohs became divine by ingesting "the blood of Isis", a soma-like ambrosia called sa. Its hieroglyphic sign was the same as the sign of the vulva, a yonic loop like the one on the ankh or Cross of Life. Painted red, this loop signified the female genital and the gate of Heaven. Amulets buried with the dead specifically prayed Isis to deify the deceased with her magic blood. A special amulet called the Tjet represented Isis's vulva and was formed of red substance jasper, carnelian, red porcelain, red glass, or red wood. This amulet was said to carry the redeeming power of the blood of Isis." From Barbara Walker's Women's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets
So in a long line of Goddesses I embrace my Life Blood for the Holy Elixir it is. When I see its Bright Redness against my Pale Thigh I will know I am Goddess Incarnate as is every Woman.
As I was working on my book, one of the outlined items for each chapter was a ritual or spell. I realized as I was writing the book I was making this into more of an meditative guide. Even, when I was a child going to Lutherean Schools and we had to memorize pre written prayers I was very annoyed by this.
I have always felt that the spiriutality and what is going on in your head and your heart is more important then the words that come out of your mouth. I also felt that there was a loss of power or strength in mindlessly reciting prayers and spiritual words. To this day I cringe when I see a Witchcraft or Pagan book that has rituals where it spefically lays out word for word who says what and when.
I know in my experiance when I am reading from a script I am more concerned about getting the words correct then the actual meaning behind them. Infact this is a "tell" for new or green actors. It takes lots of time and work for an actor to be able recite their lines without it ,it sounding like they are reciting their lines.
I know as a person I would much rather have someone speak from the heart (even if they stumble over their words) than to read off a script to me. So Why wouldn't the Divine, Ancestors, Universe, and whoever or whatever you say prayers to, for and spell work feel the same?
Saying prayers and doing spell work or ritual should feel like you are giving your wedding vows. If you are not overcome with joy, love and emotion in general most likely you are doing something wrong. I am a firm believer of the "All roads lead to Rome" appoarch and it doesn't matter how you get there as long as you do. Emotion is a very powerful tool in spirituality with out emotion is it even possible to be spiritual?
I do look at pre-written spells, but I look at these as recipes. Ingredients and how those ingredients are put together. Just like when I cook I usually don't follow a recipe. I look at its ingredients and how its put together and then just go make it with what I happen to have on hand and in a manner that is most convient or enjoyable to me. I look at spells and recipes as suggestions for new way of doing things I may not have thought of doing but I always end up putting my own twist on it. If I were to follow blindly I am not sure it would be as powerful because it simply wouldn't have as much of my energy and energy is what, my freinds, makes things work. It is energy that makes the world go round.
1. I have 2 pictures of Bast, 9 Skulls, and 2 Dragons in my living room.
2. When I was 8yrs old I wanted to be a Prima Ballerina.
3. I spent my 13th Birthday in New Orleans. Blowing off Fireworks in my Auntie’s backyard.
4. The week before my birthday my cousin put an alligator in my Auntie’s pool for a commercial.
5. Everytime I read Anne Rice I get homesick for NOLA
6. I am named after my Uncle. He was the family favorite.
7. I have a cousin with the same name for the same reason.
8. When I was 13 I wanted to be a corporate attorney. I even toured a Law Firm.
9. I will do 10x as much work just so I don’t have to do dishes.
10. I had a Princess Pink and white bedroom when I was a kid, complete with canopy bed.
11. I spent 5 years of my adult life not owning any black clothing.
12. I had a baby doll named Sally that I took everywhere.
13. When I was 7, I came home to the dog slaughtering Baby Sally.
14. I was a competitive Martial Artist in Middle School.
15. I studied Kempo and was learning Kickboxing.
16. I have secretly always wanted to run a marathon.
17. I would rather do dishes then run.
18. I really am allergic to the sun and break out in hives from too much exposure.
19. I prefer lilies to roses and orchids most of all.
20. I always wanted a garden.
21. I hate yard work.
22. I wouldn’t mind living in the country if I didn’t have to commute anywhere.
23. I would rather sit and read a book then go out and party.
24. I was obsessed with everything French well into College.
25. I care more about TODAY, then what may happen in the future.